The Two Ring
by LafiTafi
Summary: CHAP 4 UP! This story that mocks Mary-Sues is being attacked by 6 MSes (& a guy) ~*Lafi&Tafi*~”
1. What Is Going On?

Disclaimer: I own nothing, wish I did but sadly don't. Oh wait, I own me! Yay! :}  
  
Author: Liz  
  
A/N: This is a dream that I had once, thought it was weird, wrote it down, yadda, yadda, yadda. Expect it to be very strange…. VERY strange.  
  
Prologue: After the Fellowship destroys the first One Ring they all go their mostly separate ways. Little did they know that Sauron is incredibly…. ANNOYING!!! See it turns out that he made two One Rings (one gold, one silver), just in case if one of them was destroyed but, the silver one was useless unless the gold was gone.  
  
  
  
Ch. 1 What is going on?  
  
There was an extremely attractive girl walking down the street of Wormwood Drive (these are all actual streets in West Valley City, Utah). She was wearing black, as were the nine strange hooded figures she saw. They creeped her out, with their icky stench and strange… umm… strangeness. As she walked onto Cherrywood Lane, she turned her beautiful head and saw two of them playing hopscotch in the driveway of one of the houses. The houses creeped her out too, they all looked so perfect and exactly the same; not like on her dirty, ugly street, Woodledge. She walked onto another street and turned her head the other way and saw one of them at a park called Iron Wood; it whistled at her, she just flipped it off and continued. (A/N: I just realized everything has wood in its name in my hood, that's weird. There's Brandywood Drive, Lemonwood Street, Woodledge Park, Woodrash Circle, and at least six others that I can think of right now)  
  
All of a sudden every one of the strange figures turned and saw her, and they started to come at her. She realized she was wearing white now. She turned and ran into one of the houses (A/N: breaking and entering!) she found that it was white and lit inside even though it was night and there was no lamp or ceiling light to be found. Her bright eyes were filled with fear as she heard them knock on the door behind her, 'What do they want with me?' she thought 'Maybe they're just Jehovah Witnesses or Mormons; maybe they'll go away.' She turned and ran up the stairs when the door began to open. She stopped in a room, it was tidy and there was a jewelry box on a desk. She opened it and saw a beautiful golden chain and a silver ring. Of course she put it on, "Well, no one's here. It's pretty, I kinda wish the chain matched the ring, but it's pretty," She said quietly to herself. She slipped the ring on the chain and fastened it around her neck. Then she heard footsteps coming up the stairs; quickly she looked for an escape and only saw the window. She opened it and gracefully leapt out.  
  
She didn't land where she thought she would. She was in a tree in a completely different place, a forest; there were no houses anywhere. She looked down; she was terrified of heights. When she looked she saw many men running. "What's going on?" she hollered at them, no response. "WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!" she yelled as loud as she could. A man stopped.  
  
"You should get down from that tree, fair maiden, there is a danger coming nearer as we speak!" he said. Then he ran away.  
  
"Could you help me?" she tried to call after him, "I'm afraid of heights."  
  
Then she saw elves, how she knew what elves were, I have no idea, but she saw many elves. They seemed to be running toward the danger, probably to stop it. One of them stopped and looked up. She sighed when she saw his face, 'Wow,' she thought, 'He is really hot.' He walked nearer to her.  
  
"You should probably flee, maiden, there is great danger…"  
  
"Coming nearer as we speak, I know. But," she looked a little embarrassed, "I'm afraid of heights, I can't get down."  
  
He smiled, began to laugh and he said, "You're afraid of trees?! Ha! Ha! Ha! *snort* Ha! Ha!"  
  
"Not trees, heights," she said softly, obviously very embarrassed.  
  
He sighed and very slowly stopped laughing, "Ok, I'll help you down," His voice was so calm and sweet, *sigh*… ANYWAY, he held out his hands, she took them and elegantly got down. Their eyes met and the elf fell instantly in love with her, "Tell me, what is your name?" he asked.  
  
She opened her mouth to answer and then closed it again looking as if she was thinking really hard. 'Damn, the author didn't give me a name,' she thought. "I, um, I'm not sure." She said looking embarrassed again.  
  
He just smiled again and said, "I'm Legolas. You should flee to the city, it's that way." He pointed in the direction the men had run to, "Tell the guards Legolas sent you, they will show you to my home."  
  
"But, I'd rather come with you, if I can." she said trying to look as not pathetic as possible.  
  
"Well," Legolas looked disapprovingly at her, snapped his fingers and said, "If you really want to."  
  
The unnamed girl looked at her clothes, they had changed again. Picture something like a mix between a ranger's clothes and a Mirkwood elf's. I don't know either. "Wow," she said looking up at Legolas, "You're like a magic dress faerie."  
  
"Yeah," he replied, "I get that all the time."  
  
:} :} :} :} :}  
  
They were in a clearing firing arrows at a big Balrogish thingie.  
  
It (I'm going to refer to the Balrogish thingie as it) began to advance on her (the girl I have not named); she reached back at her quiver (came with the outfit) only to find that it was empty. She began to back away looking panicked when she heard Legolas' voice "Run!" he called to her. She didn't need to be told that twice.  
  
She ran into the forest and stopped dead (not literally). The creepy black hooded things were all around her. She fell to the ground (out of fear or tripping, I dunno).  
  
Suddenly a man came running out of the trees wildly waving fiery sticks at the creepy black hooded things. They ran away crying just as Legolas ran up.  
  
"Ah, I see you have met my friend, this is …" Legolas said to her.  
  
"I think I can introduce myself, Legolas." The man cut him off, "I am Araporn, King of Gonwhore." He said proudly, "Wait that isn't right!" he sounded more embarrassed then she/her/whoever had ever been. Legolas was rolling around on the ground laughing.  
  
"Araporn! HA! HA! HA! *snort* HA! HA!" he was shouting loudly and other elves were coming to see what was so funny.  
  
"He said Araporn, king of Gonwhore!" Legolas explained to them.  
  
"HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!" the sound of Elvish laughter was heard all over the forest.  
  
"I meant Aragorn, king of Gondor! I meant Aragorn, king of Gondor!" cried poor Arapo- I mean Aragorn.  
  
The other elves eventually left. Aragorn and the girl stood there for a while waiting for Legolas to stop laughing, and finally he stopped. "I haven't laughed that hard for a hundred years!" he said wiping tears from his eyes and smiling widely.  
  
Aragorn tried to ignore him, "And who are you, fair maiden?" he asked the gorgeous girl.  
  
"She doesn't know," Legolas replied for her.  
  
Aragorn looked at her an extremely confused look, and then he started giggling madly.  
  
"Well, you couldn't introduce yourself either!" The beauty who doesn't have a name tried to defend herself. Aragorn immediately shut up.  
  
"Then what in Middle Earth am I supposed to call you?" Aragorn asked.  
  
"Well," she thought for a moment, "people usually call me 'Hey, hot girl" or 'Raving Beauty' or sometimes they call me 'You stupid little *swear word*!' I dunno really, that annoying idiot of an author didn't give me a name."  
  
Aragorn looked deep in thought. It didn't seem to suit him well. "How about I just call you 'She,' 'Her,' 'That girl,' and 'You,'"  
  
She nodded. "Ok, fine with me. Can I call you Araporn?"  
  
Aragorn glared at her and Legolas started laughing again.  
  
"HA! HA! HA! *snort* HA! HA! Araporn! HA! HA!"  
  
:} :} :} :} :}  
  
When Legolas stopped laughing, they went to his palace place. They immediately went to council with Thranduil about the "It." You know, that thing that was completely forgotten. Just it isn't forgotten anymore. Ok then, so, they were talking about the big thing. She saw that Boromir (alive for some reason) and Faramir were there. After a while, Thranduil finally noticed that Hey, hot girl was there.  
  
"Um," he asked. "Who in the name of all the Valar is she?"  
  
"She doesn't know," Legolas answered quickly.  
  
"Is she retarded?" Thranduil said side-ways to his son.  
  
"HEY, I HEARD THAT!" Raving beauty, um, raved. (whatever…;])  
  
"Is she an elf?" Thranduil asked.  
  
"No, you're just talking really loud Mister-king-and-Legolas's dad-guy," she said.  
  
"Oh," the king of Mirkwood said. "Legolas? Is she ANOTHER one? How many times have I told you to stop bringing home really hot babes!"  
  
"Hehehe, thank you," the hot babe giggled.  
  
"But Daaaaad!" Legolas whined. "She's different! She's prettier than the other ones were!"  
  
"That's what you always say!" Thranduil scolded. "You always bring beautiful girls who appear out of nowhere and are wearing trousers!"  
  
"We can get her a dress! I'm sure she looks really good in one!" Legolas continued whining. After he's done, he side-ways glances (for a few minutes) at her butt. She turned a little bit and stuck it out. "REALLY good in a dress…" Legolas drooled.  
  
Thranduil sighed and looked too. "Ffffiiiiiinnnne…" he murmured. "Oh, um, I meant: Fine, Legolas. We will get her a dress and see how she looks. The dressing rooms for Legolas's drag-ins are out the hall. Turn left, and the third door on the right."  
  
"Can I take her?" Legolas asked anxiously.  
  
"No," Thranduil said flatly. "Do you remember the last time I let you show a girl to the dressing rooms for your drag-ins? I'm not letting you loose your dignity like that again."  
  
"Too late for that," Faramir whispered to his brother as Legolas hopped up and down in excitement that he might get to have the girl spend the night.  
  
:} :} :} :} :}  
  
After a little, or big, while, You stupid little *swear word* returned, now wearing a dark green silky dress. It scooped dangerously low in front. So, everyone saw almost too much and the ring on its chain. Boromir got a sudden twitch in his eye and then screamed "MINE! I WILL RULE THE WORLD!" as he ran to the girl. He grabbed the ring. The girl screamed as he touched way too near bad places. "YOU *swear word*!" she yelled. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"  
  
Boromir clutched at the ring protectively and glared at her with an evil look in his eye. He finally lost the funny look in his eye and returned to his normal self. "Oops," he said when he realized where his hand was. "Who woulda thought that I woulda touched you there?" He left his hand there until she angrily slapped him across the cheek. Boromir walked back to his brother and giggled.  
  
Legolas gave Boromir a death stare and grabbed the girl's arm. "Can I keep her?" he asked his dad hopefully.  
  
"Yyyeeesss…" Thranduil replied with a dreamy look on his face. "Oh, um, I meant: Yes, Legolas. You may keep her. But you must remember to feed her and clean up after her. A girl is a big responsibility, you know."  
  
"I promise to do everything I need to! Yay!" he hugged the girl and started hopping again.  
  
A/N: Wow, this is the first fanfic I've written by myself! Well, my sister did come up with the nicknames and the girl/pet thing, but everything else is mine! I did forget 1 very important thing though: the girl needs a name. In your reviews pleeeeezzzz suggest names for her! Thanx! 


	2. Many Meetings

Disclaimer: See 1st chapter.  
  
Person who dreamed it: Liz  
  
Author: Carolyn  
  
A/N: Yes, that personwhodreamedit/author thing confused us a little too. Just think that Carolyn types it and comes up with ways to get it typed while Liz says what happens next. Make more sense? Sorry, couldn't hear you. Didn't hear you then either. Anyway, on we go with the story. We didn't get many reviews or name ideas. Special thanks to those who did try to help by reviewing and name-making, but we need more ideas. We'll see what we do ;}  
  
  
  
Ch. 2 Many Meetings  
  
Legolas continued hopping for some time. After about forty minutes, he finally stopped with a very troubled and confused look on his face.  
  
"But what do I call you?" he asked the hot girl. Then he grinned broadly. "I'll just have to give you one!"  
  
"Like what?" she asked.  
  
"Hm," Legolas rubbed his chin. "How about, Spot?"  
  
"WHAT?" she asked, horrified. "You want to name me Spot?"  
  
"Well, Rover or Fido or Duchess or something. Chester would be a great one because you have a chest!"  
  
"You have one too, though it's not the same size as mine," she glared at him, but stuck herself out a little. "You are NOT naming me Chester."  
  
"How about Rin or Ring or Ringy or Ringabeth or Ringolyn or Ringer or something?" Boromir suggested, staring at her che- uh, ring very intently.  
  
"Where in Middle Earth did you come up with that?" Legolas asked.  
  
"The riiinnnggg…" Boromir said, now looking dazed.  
  
Everyone looked at you-know-who and, because they were all guys, looked immediately at her chest. They saw the Ring and gasped.  
  
"That ring with that chain?" Thranduil looked shocked. "Legolas, you cannot keep her. She has no fashion sense, and that isn't right for someone who is dating a prince."  
  
"But there wasn't a silver chain!" she-who-cannot-be-named whined. "I had no choice! I know it's horrible fashion sense, but if you give me a better chain…"  
  
Thranduil, shielding his eyes from the terrifying clashing colors, quickly put a silver chain that had appeared from who knows where into her hand. Legolas rolled his eyes.  
  
"C'mon, Dad. Frodo was just as bad, and I dealt. He had a gold ring on a silver chain."  
  
Thranduil winced as if in pain just thinking of the first Ringbearer. Boromir seemed angry.  
  
"That's not what I meant! That ring is very special! I can feel it!" Boromir lunged at the girl again, but this time Legolas jumped in front of him. The two fell onto the floor (where else would they fall?) and started to fight. "I WANT IT!" Boromir whined. Faramir backed away slowly and acted as if he didn't know who this jewelry-loving freak was (though everyone in the room knows their brothers). Faramir started whistling and he looked up. Aragorn nudged him, so he rolled his eyes and pried his older brother off the prince.  
  
"Clearly this ring must have some power over my brother," Faramir said wisely to the not very shocked room. Everyone looks at Thranduil. Thranduil looks confused and annoyed.  
  
"What? I'm not Elrond or somebody that knows about this stuff," Everyone continued to stare. Thranduil sighed. "I'll go get a book. One that is about this sort of thing, of course."  
  
"Look under the 'Rings of Power'!" Aragorn called helpfully. "If you have it."  
  
"No shit, Sherlock," the girl rolled her eyes. "What else would he look under?" Everyone stared at her, very confused. "What?"  
  
After a few hours, Thranduil rushed back into the room.  
  
"What took you so long?" Legolas whined.  
  
"I read the whole book as fast as I could!" Thranduil whined back.  
  
"You weren't supposed to read the whole book!" Faramir seemed annoyed. "And you were supposed to bring it here so we all could read it." He pouted and looked down at the ground. He apparently really wanted to read a boring book at the moment.  
  
"Ooops." Thranduil said. "Oh, well. I figured out what the Ring is, and I know why Boromir went mad." He paused, presumably for dramatic effect or something. After about ten minutes, everyone shouted "What?" so he decided to continue. "Sauron made two rings, not one. He was obviously smarter than we all thought. Anyway, he made the golden one to rule Middle Earth with. But, just in case it was thrown into the Cracks of Doom, he made another. It, I presume, is probably that one." He pointed to so-n-so's bosom. Everyone looked at the Ring. She nervously covered it up.  
  
"She is being possessive! It must be the Two…or the One…or the Two One…or the One Two…or whatever." Aragorn tried to sound smart and wonderful and failed miserably.  
  
"Am not!" she argued. "I'm just trying to prevent everyone from staring at my boobs!"  
  
Everyone's heads turned quickly down, so she uncovered herself. A few eyes lingered upward while Thranduil said, "So, as the head-honcho-elf-king-guy here, I guess I'm supposed to say 'It must be destroyed!' Should I give a long speech like Elrond? I always wanted to sound important and wise…"  
  
"NO!" everyone who had been to that horribly long council shouted quickly.  
  
"Ok," Thranduil looked disappointed. "Well then, you can go and destroy it then. Who wants to be the bearer?"  
  
"I do!" Boromir and the girl both yelled at the exact same time.  
  
"Ok, then Chester it is!" Thranduil said.  
  
"Don't call me that!" she growled.  
  
"Whatever. The bearer will be her," he pointed to her. "And all of you can go with her, if you want to."  
  
"I can't, though!" Aragorn said quickly. "I have the kingdom to rule."  
  
"HA! HA! HA! *snort* HA! HA!" Legolas was reminded of earlier incidents. Faramir, Boromir, and Thranduil looked at him. Legolas, through breaths, explained. "Earlier…when introducing…himself to her…he called himself…HA! HA! HA! *snort* HA! HA! Araporn king of Gonwhore!" They all turned and looked at Aragorn for a minute, then all four of them burst out laughing. Chester (DON'T CALL ME THAT!) impatiently tapped her foot until they stopped. Aragorn was red as a cherry when he mumbled:  
  
"And, anyway, I gotta go back to rule over everything. And I wanna see Arwen again." He got a dreamy look in his eye and muttered, "See Arwen again…"  
  
"Ok, ok," Thranduil said as he wiped his eyes. "You shall travel with them until the road turns East. You will then, obviously, go West."  
  
Aragorn shrugged and nodded. Boromir looked confused.  
  
"Why East? Isn't Mount Doom West?" Everyone glared at him.  
  
"Because I said so and because I'm wiser and older than you," Thranduil said. To add a little touch, he stuck his tongue out. Legolas giggled and did the same.  
  
The girl shook her head as she put it in her hands. "The royalty of Mirkwood," she muttered. Luckily, the King and Prince were too busy bugging Boromir to hear her.  
  
:} :} :} :} :}  
  
So, a few days or so after the Council of Thranduil (I guess that's what it should be called…) the Fellowship of the Other Ring left. That one girl, Aragorn, Boromir, Faramir, and Legolas left for the South. After a morning of many "My feet hurt!" complaints from our city-slicker, it was early afternoon. Boromir was looking back to tell her to be quit when he ran into something and then fell on top of it.  
  
"Ouch!" a small, muffled voice cryed. "Boromir, you big clumsy git! You're crushing me! Gerroff!"  
  
Boromir screamed (oddly like that scream the girl had made when she saw a spider earlier. No, not one of the Mirkwood giants. One of the little centimeter-long ones.) and jumped up. "It can talk!" he yelled, thinking it was a rock or something.  
  
"Of course I can!" the small thing replied. It looked rather squished, but the girl thought she saw it give Boromir a bad signal with his finger. "I'm a hobbit, you idiot!"  
  
The girl looked eagerly down at the little creature. She shoved Boromir out of the way so she could see him better.  
  
"Awwwwww…" she said. "He's so little, and so adorable! He's like, 5 years old!"  
  
"I'm fifty-five," the creature said as he got up. Boromir looked dumbfounded.  
  
"Frodo? What are you doing in the middle of Mirkwood?"  
  
"Mirkwood?" the cute little thing's eyes widened in fear. The girl said "Awww…" again. "How'd I get here? I was just going on a walk…"  
  
"A random walk all the way across the Misty Mountains?" Boromir was amazed.  
  
"Yeah, well," Aragorn said. "I did that once too. When I found out I was over the mountains, I figured I might as well go to Lorien because that's where I knew Arwen was at the time. Lucky I did, because that's when she fell in love with me."  
  
Frodo looked hopeful. "So, I'll get lucky maybe and…"  
  
"No," Aragorn said quickly. "I think you came accidentally, but I came 'accidentally'. Do you see the difference?"  
  
Frodo looked disappointed. "But I could still meet up with Arwen…"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Ok."  
  
"Besides," that one chick said to the little cutie, "you walked in on something very unlucky. We're destroying another one of Sauron's take-over- the-world rings."  
  
"Oh," Frodo said. "Can I come?"  
  
"Uh, ok. Now the Fellowship of the Other Ring consists of six: Legolas, Aragorn, Boromir, Faramir, Frodo, and me. Only three more and we'll have the same number as the other Fellowship!" the girl got a little too excited.  
  
"Well," Legolas though for a moment. "We could go find my new best friend Gimli and then we'd only need two more!" Everyone stared at Legolas. "What? Ok, I know he wasn't the most popular with his favorite game I'll-try-to- chop-your-head-off-for-fun-so-you'd-better-duck-game, but he's not always really rough." Everyone stared at Legolas. "Ok, so he's always rough." Everyone stared at Legolas. "What? Oh no! Do I have some lunch stuck between my teeth?"  
  
Before anyone could answer, a cart that seemed to be driving itself came into their little clearing. Girly girl looked around to see what could be moving it, and saw two more hobbits, just these ones were very sweaty and kind of stinky, were pushing it. Frodo seemed happy.  
  
"There you are!" she shouted gleefully.  
  
"Next *huff* time *puff* we *huff* go *puff* on *huff* a *puff* picnic *huff* walk *puff* we *huff* bring *puff* a *huff* pony *puff*" one of them said just before he collapsed.  
  
"Oh, ok," Frodo said. "I won't ask you to just because you're young next time. We'll get a pony." Frodo shook his head and chuckled. "Oh, um, girl," he said to (guess who!), "these two went on the walk with me. The one who talked is Merry, and the one who somehow found the energy to jump into the picnic cart is Pippin."  
  
Pippin popped his head up, his mouth full of food. "Oh, hi!" He continued eating. "I'll save you some, Merry." He mumbled through mouthfuls of mushrooms.  
  
After the hobbits (Frodo included, he wanted to eat also) finished their picnic inside the cart, Frodo explained the quest.  
  
"I'll go!" the two younger hobbits said in unison, causing that one female person to say, "Awwww…" again.  
  
:} :} :} :} :}  
  
The company marched on, and when about an hour had passed, someone else appeared. In through the trees, came crashing a hobbit whom Frodo introduced as Sam. He was sweaty and looked very nervous and carried as many vegetables as could fit into his little chubby arms.  
  
"What are you doing clear out here, Sammy?" Frodo asked.  
  
"I was stealing from another farmer, but he caught me and chased me other those mountains back there. I lost him in this forest, though."  
  
"What?" Frodo was obviously surprised. "Sam, why were you stealing?"  
  
"You try to raise thirteen kids on a worker class salary! I know you don't understand, Mr. Frodo, but some people don't have as much money as you!"  
  
"But you've been rich ever since the quest!"  
  
"But they're thirteen hobbit kids! They eat like a thousands oliphants each!"  
  
Sam suddenly started whimpering and looking more terrified and nervous than before. The ringbearer girl assumed he was picturing thirteen hobbit children eating dinner. She pictured it, and understood his feelings.  
  
"Hm," Frodo thought for a moment. "Would you like to come with us to destroy the 2nd One Ring, Samwise? You could take your mind off of little Elanor, Frodo, Rose, Merry, Pippin, Goldilocks, Hamfast, Daisy, Primrose, Bilbo, Ruby, Robin, and Tolman for a bit."  
  
"Are those their real names?" Boromir asked. "Because most aren't very creative…"  
  
"Yes," the really hot chick said. "I read it in the appendix in my 'The Return of the King'." Everyone stared at her. "Oh! Oops! Never mind, everybody."  
  
"I'll go. I sure hope that Rosie can care for all the kids." Sam thought for a moment. "Oh, I bet she can Let's go! So, who's in the group?"  
  
"You, Frodo, Merry, Pippin, Legolas, Aragorn, Boromir, Faramir, and me," the should-be-super-model-or-something-like-that said. "We are a fellowship of nine now. The Fellowship of the Other Ring!" As she said the latter, she raised up her arms and announced it loudly and greatly.  
  
"Uh," Sam said, backing away. She was beautiful, but tall and kind of scary when she did that. "Ok."  
  
A/N: What do you think? Yeah, the title was kinda stupid, but it fit the chapter pretty well. Remember that this is a dream that Liz had, so I am not liable for any stupid plots. As for jokes, I did come up with half of them.*grins proudly*  
  
Anyway, we both love reviews! So, if you have 5 seconds (which I know you do! Unless you're dying right this very second and will be dead in 4!) please review! We still need names for our "Nameless Beauty." Anything weird or pretty or stupid will do. It could be anything from Fran to Dictionary to Poop-stain. Just come up with something, some spur of the moment, and give it to us. Really, it's quite easy. Look to your right, and name something you see. Or, look to your left and name something you see. Or say your name, a friend's name, an enemy's name, a pet's name, or a guy's name. Go ahead, say Paul, we will still thank you for trying as hard as your brain could work. Thanks for your help or I hate you, depending on what you are doing right now. ~*Carolyn*~  
  
PS: Liz went to bed, so I wrote the last half of this chapter. The hobbits entering is what she told me must happen: "Frodo comes in first, then Merry and Pippin, then Sam. Got that?" See! She didn't even say good night! 13 year old little sisters (or at least mine) are brats! ~*Carolyn*~ 


	3. Er... I dunno... something about names!

A/N: Hi! I, as in Lafi, am the author again!  
  
Tafi: All I did for this chapter was two sentences. I was the Almighty Editor.  
  
Lafi: Yep. So, I'll let you read now!  
  
(WARNING: I am a crappy writer w/ writers block.)  
  
  
  
The Fellowship of the Two Ring was still in Greenwood, Southern Greenwood that is! Yeah, well, everyone was getting kinda tired. Especially the hobbits.  
  
"Can we stop yet?" Pippin called to the front of the group.  
  
"For the last time: NO!!! We aren't stopping until the sun sets." Aragorn yelled back.  
  
"Hey, who named you all-mighty-supreme-leader-guy anyway, Aragorn?" said Pretty Lady.  
  
"Well I-"  
  
"And the sun set, like, half an hour ago, stupid!" She was really cranky.  
  
"Aragorn, I think we should stop for the night." said Legolas.  
  
"FINE! We'll stop! Jeez."  
  
:} :} :} :} :}  
  
After a few hours Aragorn, or should I say: Mr. self-proclaimed-all-mighty- supreme-leader-guy chose a spot to rest for the night. Yep, a nice little clearing in Southern Greenwood.  
  
They built a little fire and sat around it. The breath-taking beautiful big- bosomed soft-skinned perfectly talented young woman lay on the ground VERY comfortably with her head in Legolas's lap. She fell asleep quite quickly.  
  
Merry, Pippin, Frodo, Sam, Boromir, Faramir, Legolas, and Aragorn (A/N: jeez I shoulda just said the rest of the fellowship) all sat eating and talking.  
  
"So Boromir, I thought you died. Why are you still breathing?" Aragorn liked to get to the point.  
  
Boromir's answer was: "I don't know. I was lying there on the ground, and I died, but then while in that boat, I just, sorta, woke up."  
  
"Hm, weird." Said Legolas, "So what do you guys think of Chester?"  
  
A muffled "don't call me that" was heard, but she slept on.  
  
"She's cute. Where'd you get her?" asked Merry.  
  
"What he said." Pippin agreed, with a mouth full of an odd assortment of fruits, nuts, and mushrooms.  
  
"I found her in a tree, she's afraid of heights." Explained Legolas.  
  
"She scares me." Sam whispered as if he was afraid she would hear him. He received several odd looks.  
  
"Ooookkkaaayyy. well I don't care what you say, Sam. I like her; she thinks I'm cute." Frodo said. "But what are we supposed to call her? Is her name really Chester?"  
  
"No," Legolas looked thoughtful, "and I don't think she likes that name very much." He gave them all a look that clearly said: "Any ideas?"  
  
Pippin spoke up first. "How about Sobe?"  
  
Merry rolled his eyes "Where did you get that, Pippin? Whatever, I say we call her, uh."  
  
"SopFrancy Janet hie Daria Emma Evil ring bearer!" suggested Sam. An uncomfortable silence followed. "What? I said she scares me."  
  
"Oh come on Sam, FARAMIR scares you!" said Frodo. "I do? Cool, I'm scary." Faramir seemed very happy.  
  
"How about Daria?" Everyone looked at Merry. "What? At least my name isn't weird or insulting."  
  
"Yeah, but you got it off of my name." complained Sam.  
  
"I can think of so many names right now!" said Legolas. "Babe, Silke, Sexy with Sex for short. wait, maybe not Sex for short."  
  
"Tenshiamanda!" screamed Pippin.  
  
"What?" asked Merry.  
  
"Toshiba!" er. Pippin again.  
  
"Pip, are those names?"  
  
"Sssshhh! You might wake her up!" hissed Legolas.  
  
Suddenly, Aragorn spoke up: "Lindaira! That's a pretty name."  
  
"Wow I almost forgot you were here, Aragorn, you were being so quiet." Said Legolas.  
  
"Preccccciousssssssss." Everyone turned to look at Boromir, who had a dazed look on his face.  
  
Faramir bitch slapped him. Boromir snapped out of it, sorta "I say we call her Ringiara."  
  
"You already said that back in the palace thing, didn't you?" Faramir asked.  
  
"No, I suggested Rin or Ring or Ringy or Ringabeth or Ringolyn or Ringer. Ringiara is different."  
  
"Those are all very. er, fine names, but maybe you shou-" began Legolas.  
  
"Bob! That's the perfect name!" Aragorn rudely interrupted. Another awkward silence followed. "Why does that keep on happening?"  
  
"Because you guys keep on coming up with stupid names!" Legolas tried to get up and storm away, but then he remembered that the female thing was on his lap.  
  
Aragorn laughed "Look who's stupid now!"  
  
Legolas glared back "I never said you were stupid, stupid! I only said that you couldn't come up with names worth crap!"  
  
"You can't judge my names, I haven't come up with anything yet!" yelled Faramir.  
  
"SHUT UP!!! I'm TRYING to sleep!" Oh, hey, guess who they woke up? "Jeez, you guys are like little kids, you need supervision." Sam flinched, and she noticed. Suddenly turning sweet she said: "What's wrong, Sammy? Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell."  
  
Frodo gave Sam an odd look. "He's afraid of you." He said, turning to look at the girl.  
  
She burst out laughing. "Why? I'm not scary, am I?"  
  
"I am!" Faramir said proudly. She started laughing harder. "What? Sam's afraid of me too."  
  
"Hey what do you think of the name Janet?" Merry asked, obviously not listening to anyone else.  
  
"Janet? I don't think I'm really the Janet type." She replied.  
  
"How about Emma?" Sam blurted out. The girl person looked at him. Sam got scared again, "Eep."  
  
She looked frustrated. "Why are you so scared of me? I like you!"  
  
"You do?"  
  
"I DO!"  
  
"Oh, ok then!" Sam said, and the two had a sweet little hug. Many 'aw!'s were heard.  
  
Sam suddenly jerked back. "Oh, hey I have more name ideas! How about Mayline, or. um. ok maybe I just had one other name idea."  
  
She smiled, "But it's a cute name."  
  
"I've got it!" Faramir finally got an idea! "Chantelle, Sophie, Tinuvielwen. ok that's all I can think of right now."  
  
Frodo pouted. "Everyone's come up with a name but me."  
  
"Maxell!" Pippin shrieked.  
  
"Sssshhh! Do you know what kind of monsters live in Greenwood? Haven't I told you what kind of horrible, demented, murderous creatures live here?" Legolas whispered.  
  
"Oh, come on, Legolas!" Aragorn said loudly. "There isn't anything that bad in Greenwood. The evil monsters are DEAD! You told us that yourself." he glanced at the hobbits, who looked beyond terrified, except for Frodo, who looked thoughtful. "And you're scaring the hobbits."  
  
Legolas ignored the hobbits, or maybe he just thought it was fun frightening them. "Yes, the orcs and spiders are gone, but there are worse things now. There are creatures of extraordinary beauty, but they stalk you wherever you go, they'll even follow you home, but they stay hidden. You never even know that they are following you until they attack. They are worse than orcs." He glared at Aragorn. "You chose a stupid place to rest. They'll probably attack us. I'll-"  
  
"Francey!" Frodo said suddenly, and very loudly, causing everyone to jump. "Or Yanna! Yes, I finally came up with something!" He obviously was paying no attention to Legolas.  
  
"Oh, are we still coming up with names?" asked Pippin, making sure his voice was very quiet, "Then how about Pumpernickle with Nick or Erni for short?"  
  
Legolas glared again. "No." he whispered.  
  
"Gollum?" suggested Boromir.  
  
Legolas rolled his eyes. "Look, I've already told you: your name ideas are stu-" he stopped mid sentence, and suddenly became very tense and alert. "What was that?" Everyone was quiet for a moment.  
  
"What was what?" whispered Faramir.  
  
"Sshh. I think I heard it too." Said Gollum, er, Tenshiamanda, er, you know who I'm talking about, right?  
  
"Well, I still don't hear-" he stopped when he heard the snapping of a twig.  
  
  
  
A/N: Hehehe. I sorta made a cliffhanger there, didn't I? Oooo, the suspense! Well, I finally got the third chapter finished. I hope ya'll enjoyed reading it! Oh, wait I have to do reviewer thank-yous! I don't remember if I've done them before, so I'll just do everyone who has reviewed this story.  
  
Americananime: I'm really glad you think this is funny! Hehehe, the Araporn part is my favorite part in the whole thing so far. ~*~ I don't think Orlando needs to put a wig on, people luv him anyway! I know I do! Yeah, anyways, thanx for reviewing me!  
  
Seamoose: Actually, I'm the Care bear Queen's sister. But I'm sure you know that by now. ~*~ I'm really glad you think it's funny, too!!! Eep! Gandalf! Er, good luck w/ him seamoose. And pleez review again. if Gandalf doesn't kill you first!  
  
Saxophoneserpent: Yeah, er, fun for all ages. well, glad you like! And you're welcome. And also, thanx for reviewing me too! Oh, hey, I just found another review from you. I used that name! I used all the names actually.  
  
Anithrarith: You're the first one to give me a name idea! Thank you! And I'm really glad you liked it!  
  
Ghettobunny: hehehe *snort*hehe. Glad you liked my story, glad you reviewed my story, and. wow you used to live in Utah? You're probably the only one that understood the Mormon joke, but that's ok, as long as you like it!  
  
Tenshiamanda: You got your name mentioned twice, so you better be happy, lolz! I'm glad you liked it!  
  
Shawnee: I know Sobe isn't an alcoholic drink! I drink it all the time, never 6 bottles at once though. Thanx for reading!  
  
Purrfect: I'm glad you like it! Hehe, yeah this isn't the weirdest dream I've ever had, and I think I only dreamt it because I was reading LOTR, thinking about LOTR, and we had just seen FOTR. I think I will just have the names keep changing. I mean, if you think it's funny, why not? Right?  
  
Lailanna: Yes I REALLY had that dream, but not all of it was in the dream. I had to change some things so that it would make some sense. Thanx for the name suggestions!  
  
Chrissie: Don't worry about the name thing; I can't come up w/ them either. Obviously, if I could come up w/ names I wouldn't be asking my readers to come up w/ them for me, right? Well, yeah, anyway, I'm glad you like it, pleez keep reading!  
  
Rebekka: Hi! Sorry this chapter took so long. Its hard to write, because I've got writer's block, but then I'm not that great of an author anyway. Wow you're very enthusiastic! I'm so glad you reviewed this, and twice as glad that you like it!  
  
Sunsong the Silver: Oooo, am I a mary-sue trasher? ~goofy grin~ cool! Thanx for the review and the name suggestion!  
  
Wind-swept-seas: Hehehe, Pumpernickle! I LUV that one!!! It is perhaps my favorite of all the names suggested! Thanx for reviewing me!  
  
Elfie: AAAAAARRRRRRGGG!!! I just got dun w/ my reviewers notes and then u decide 2 cum and review me!... Glad u like it though. I think I'm just gonna use ur name things 4 the next chapter, cuz that way I don't have 2 change nething in this chapter. and I can post 2day. Who the hell r Robyn and Paul? R u advertising? Ok yeah, I don't really care if ur advertising or not becuz im dun now! Yay!  
  
~*Lafi*~ 


	4. Elanor

A/N: Hello. Tafi here. Lafi is a wimp & is afraid to write another chapter. She claims that she sucks incredibly. -_- She did actually write the first few paragraphs, & I read them once, but then *poof* she deleted them.  
  
I understand that you enjoy this story & would appreciate an update. Since I'm such a nice, smart, kind, generous, pretty, friendly, talented, powerful, perfect, humble person I decided I would write & post it for you. You have my permission to worship me.  
  
LOL! So did any of you actually believe anything I just typed? I hope not or else my rep was just horribly destroyed. . . eep. . . er, I outta delete all that right now. But I'm too lazy. So I'll write you wonderfully tolerant people some R/Ns instead! But later because I don't feel like it right now. Sorry. You will get R/Ns next time! I promise!  
  
I think I need a Laffy Taffy. . .  
  
  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Suddenly the fire went out.  
  
"OH GOD!!!"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Er, sorry. That's what we call Eru where I'm from."  
  
"Oh, ok."  
  
"Has anyone realized that WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE?!?!?!?!"  
  
"CALM DOWN, Faramir!"  
  
"That's wasn't me, it was Boromir!"  
  
"Nuh uh!"  
  
"Yeah huh!"  
  
"Nuh uh!"  
  
"Uh huh!"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm being attacked!"  
  
"No, Merry, those are my boobs."  
  
"Oh."  
  
There was silence for a few moments.  
  
"Merry, LET GO OF THEM!!!!!"  
  
"Oh, right. Er. . . ok."  
  
"Wait, wasn't there a cliffhanger at the end of the last chapter?"  
  
"Merry, I meant NOW."  
  
"Oh, right. Er. . . ok."  
  
"Sam, what are you talking about?"  
  
Pippin started laughing. "Yeah, whoever heard of a CLIFF?"  
  
"Merry, get those bony fingers off my chest!!!"  
  
"Oh, right. Er. . . ok."  
  
"Wasn't there a sound?"  
  
"Hey, you're right, Sam!"  
  
"No, you were making it up."  
  
"But Mr. Frodo-"  
  
"Merry, if you don't get your little hands off my bosom RIGHT NOW I'll-"  
  
"Oh, right. Er. . . ok."  
  
"There wasn't any sound! I would have remembered!"  
  
"I know I heard-"  
  
"Shut up Legolas! I'm the Ringbearer! I KNOW ALL!"  
  
"You're not the Ringbearer, I am! And I've had it with you, Merry!" Sounds and screams of a fight were heard.  
  
"So. . . Boromir was right. There was sound so we're all gonna die."  
  
"OH NO! I WAS RIGHT! WE'RE DOOOOOOOMED!!!! DOOOOOOOOMED I TELL YOU!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Wait a minute. . . who set the fire out?"  
  
"Aragorn, please tell me you didn't just realize that. You're supposed to be leading us."  
  
"Uh. . . what do you want me to say?"  
  
"Oh Eru."  
  
Suddenly an unknown woman's voice was heard. "NOTICE ME, DAMMIT!"  
  
"Who was that?"  
  
"It was just the Ringbearer."  
  
"No it wasn't! I'm beating up Merry and not listening to any of you!"  
  
"Then how did you know he said it was you?" There was a short pause.  
  
"Shut up Sam."  
  
Someone suddenly relit the fire. Everyone could see that Frodo's eyes were somehow the size of dinner plates, Sam was in a tree, Legolas was nervously hugging the same tree, Aragorn was peeing on that same tree, Pippin's nose was an inch from Boromir's crotch, the chick was sitting on Merry's face, and Faramir was simply standing off to the side.  
  
"ACK!" Legolas jumped backwards into Pippin. Boromir groaned in pain & fell over as Pippin hurriedly wiped his nose on a leaf. Sam climbed higher in the tree. The babe stood up.  
  
"Hey!" Merry whined. "I liked that view."  
  
"Shut up, perv."  
  
Aragorn pulled up his pants. "Who relit the fire?"  
  
"I did, you scroungy idiot!" They all turned to a painfully beautiful woman glaring at them from the edge of the clearing. About half a dozen more could be seen behind her. Everyone but Legolas had to shield their eyes.  
  
"It's THEM!!!!!!!" Legolas quickly jumped into the highest tree he could find.  
  
"Leggy-poo!" The strange women said in unison. The Ringbearer growled.  
  
"You're scaring him!" The hot chick and the strange women screamed in unison. "No, you are!" Aragorn stepped forward.  
  
"Who are you?"  
  
"Duh, I'm the Ringbearer."  
  
"No, them."  
  
The leader of the women lifted her chin. "I am Elanor." Sam fell out of his tree with a thump, but immediately stood up and waddled to stand by the Ringbearer and Aragorn.  
  
"Whoa. . . my daughter got TALL. . ."  
  
"I am not your daughter." Elanor's impossibly bright eyes darkened slightly and she looked sad. "My parents are dead." Sam blushed.  
  
"Oh, oops. That's good, because you scare me even more than her." He pointed to the girl standing beside him.  
  
"I am the last of my race." Elanor said for no apparent reason. "I am a unicorn."  
  
Everyone stared at her for a moment before bursting out laughing.  
  
"It's not funny!" Elanor shape-shifted into her horse form. Everyone laughed harder. Elanor realized that she had forgotten to dismount and what it looked like she was doing, so she quickly shifted back to her human form.  
  
"Wait a minute. . ." Avril Lavigne (T/N: That was a VERY random suggestion for a name from a reviewer, so don't get confused. Canadians aren't popping up everywhere. . . yet. . .) looked confused. "If you're the last unicorn, who are your friends?"  
  
"I am Alex, I'm a transformer and a slave of Sauron. I fell in love with Legolas and turned good. But then I died and Legolas vowed to never fall in love again."  
  
"I am Christina, the last paper clip. Aragorn and Legolas both love me, but I love only Legolas. Sometimes Aragorn gets jealous and tries to kill Legolas. I am a desk lamp. I am Frodo's younger sister, but I am an immortal human. I lived with Frodo and his father Bilbo after my parents were killed by buttons. Of course, I can't forget the time I lived with eagles before I lived with Frodo and Bilbo and my parents died. My parents were eagles, in fact. That's why I'm half eagle, whole paper clip, third desk lamp, three-fourths immortal human, one-sixteenth pen, and twenty- seven-fiftieths fire. I lived in Mordor before it was evil. I'm seventeen!"  
  
"I am Arwenia, and I have red hair and violet eyes. I am Aragorn's younger half-sister, which explains my raven black hair and grayish blue eyes. I am half human which is why I have pink hair, half vampire that explains my maroon eyes, half elf which is why my hair is silver and my eyes blue, and half cat. That's why my eyes are yellow. I entrance men of all races with my flowing chestnut locks. Legolas instantly fell in love with my forest green eyes, golden hair, and purple-green-blue-brown eyes."  
  
"I am Justin Timberlakiwen. I fell into Middle-earth through a portal in China. The portal confused me for a girl, so I turned into one. . . but it's ok, because I was gay anyway." There was a pause. Justin Timberlakiwen realized he was still a man, only wearing a dress. "Oh. . . er. . . never mind!"  
  
"I am Stephaniel Gardenia, the long-lost youngest child of Galadriel and Sauron. I possess the power to heal, and a single tear of mine will raise the dead. That proved very useful when my father Elrond nearly died because my sister Aragorn accidentally shot him in the head. It was also useful when my father Aragorn killed himself after nearly killing my older brother Elrond. I fell in love with Legolas after my father Celeborn introduced us at my father Théoden's annual royal ball. My father Denethor, who abused me, didn't want me to marry Legolas. We ran away to Rivendell after my father killed Legolas. My mother and father, Elladan and Elrohir, gave me a pony when I was three. I am very sad because since my father Thranduil is Legolas' younger brother, I can't marry Frodo. Are you my mother?"  
  
"I am Star Goldfish, I came to Middle-earth through a portal in my DVD player. I came to save Legolas. I failed and he died-"  
  
Legolas whimpered. "I'm dead?" Chikeroo gasped.  
  
"Ohmigod! You killed Legolas! You bastards!"  
  
"WE DID NOT!!!"  
  
Star Goldfish rolled her eyes. "Duh, a dragon did."  
  
"And we would never kill him anyway," Stephaniel Gardenia explained. "We are a tribe of Mary-Sues. We, just like the other tribes, wander the boughs of this forest forever hunting Legolas."  
  
"Yeah!" Alex agreed. "We want to marry him, not KILL him!"  
  
Hailie Jade (T/N: & with best wishes to the reviewer wanting this name. Just don't drool like that if you meet him [I'm talking about Eminem if nosey readers care about private conversations], ok?) rolled her eyes. "Well, he obviously can't marry ALL of you."  
  
"Then he must choose!" Elanor shouted. Justin Timberlakiwen raised his eyebrows.  
  
"I don't have a story yet! And which one is he? Nobody's told me yet! Does he look anything like John Mayer?" Justin Timberlakiwen drooled slightly.  
  
"No. . ." Arwenia pointed up. "That's him in the tree."  
  
"Whoa. . . he is hot!"  
  
"But you shall not be a Mary-Sue anymore," Elanor declared. "As the leader of this Mary-Sue tribe, I must ban you from ever being a Mary-Sue since you lusted after someone besides Legolas."  
  
"B-but Stephaniel Gardenia is sad because she can't marry Frodo! Doesn't that imply she loves Frodo?"  
  
Elanor shrugged. "She was confused for a moment. Airhead young women commonly are. But she says she loves Legolas. You never said that you loved Legolas."  
  
"That's not fair!" Justin Timberlakiwen whined. "Shouldn't I meet him before I declare my love for him?" The Mary-Sues gasped. Elanor glared.  
  
"You have now broken two laws of Mary-Sueness. You lusted after another and you thought logically. Of all things. . . thought LOGICALLY! How DARE you??? Come Mary-Sues, since our tribe is now six instead of the required seven we must find another in order to compete for Legolas." The Mary-Sues mounted their horses ad began to leave. Justin Timberlakiwen ran after them.  
  
"Wait! WAIT! Where am I supposed to go? I don't even know where the hell I am!" He started to cry. "I want to find my *NSYNC buddies. I should have never left them. But now they're gone, gone-"  
  
"Wait a minute! Hold up! STOP! No singing by you, ok?" Publisher's Clearing House (T/N: Don't ask) shouted. "Since you're kind of a Mary-Sue I guess it would make sense if you traveled with us or something, since Mary-Sues do that. But you cannot sing at all. And we need to find you some pants."  
  
  
  
A/N: So. . . a new companion. Wonder how long he'll last. And we haven't seen the last of the Mary-Sues, have we? ^_^  
  
Lafi would like to point out that she came up with a few things used in this chapter, but I would like to point out that I came up with approximately five-sevenths of the ideas and wrote it all too. Don't hate me for bringing Justin into this - that's the only idea I came up with that Lafi doesn't feel se needs credit for, so I'm wondering what you'll think. . .  
  
I would like to point out in officialish disclaimer form that Elanor is a character stolen by Lafi, not by me. Author of "The Unicorn," blame Lafi, not me. Thank you.  
  
  
  
~*Tafi*~  
  
PS: This was posted by my good friend XxDragon Princess NikkixX because Lafi & I are currently banned from the net cuz of bad grades. Please give her the thanx she deserves. Thanx girl! 


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